Hi Tina
Here goes: this is Cate’s story
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Let’s start at the very beginning, and no, I’m not auditioning for a
part in the ‘Sound of Music’! I remember exactly where I was when the dream
became welded into my very soul, I even remember the
girls around me, their clothes, their names and even their hairstyles! Over 35
years later I am finally giving in to the deep and strong conviction that what
was fully revealed to me in a Drama Class at school all those years ago is the
most vital part of my life story.
However, whilst not giving up on my dream in any of those years, I was
looking for the quiet life and did what society expected from a boy like me.
Especially in what was a tough northern English working-class town. I ended up getting married and having three children
with the first girl who showed any real interest in me, despite the fact I
hadn't had a girl before and I was then aged 24 (A 24 year old virgin? Yup, I
was the one!!!) To have ‘Come-out’ back then, in that time and place, would
have lead to severe ‘bruising’ to say the least!
Thankfully, marriage didn't dent the dream as it gave me a ready supply
of female clothes and make-up to use. It possibly made the dream stronger as
while my wife was a work and the kids asleep I would dress and walk around the
town where I live. It gave me such a thrill when I 'passed' although I didn't
then know the term. I still wonder what would have happened if the children had
woken up to see daddy wasn't there or this woman who looked a little like dad
had taken his place!
Then maybe ten years ago as my then life collapsed around me I heard a
saying "Most die without really having lived." That is a saying I
have attempted to live by day by day ever since, and it has certainly been an
'interesting’ life if not maybe the one I really would have wanted to live, but
at least I have done something with my 'allotted span' here!
As I said, the first woman I ever slept with basically trapped me into
marriage, but at least it meant that my secret would stay just that - a secret.
I 'did the decent thing' and married her, but as I later found out the one
thing she loved more than any other was money, and spending it. I'm convinced
she thought that with my having £2,000 in the bank (a lot of money in 1986) and
a good career with prospects she had it made! Actually, I did have one heck of
an exciting career as an advertising copywriter, writing TV, radio and press
advertisements. Winning awards, working with famous people
recording my words, and regular trips to
Anyway fast forward to 1999 and she had got us into many many thousands of pounds of immediate debt, meaning credit
cards and loans etc, which to someone who had always been debt free, was a very
painful position to be in. This lead to a colossal mental breakdown, leading me
to lose my job (being unfairly dismissed) and kicked out of the family home, to
make way for my wife's Police Inspector boyfriend, who used his position
against me, accusing me of various crimes! I was on a government benefit called
Incapacity Benefit for two and a half years, I since heard that if you are on
that benefit for more than 18 months you are more likely to die or retire than
ever come off it!
But despite my own mental problems, which were almost certainly caused
by my hiding my 'secret' deep inside, as to a certain extent proven years later
when I 'came-out' to my psychiatrist and almost literally saw a light go on
above his head! I buried myself into using my skills in the voluntary and
community sector in the area in which I live. Which was
something I proved to be rather successful at in for example gaining £42
million of flood defenses for the town I live in after the disastrous flooding
of 2000 ruined over 750 homes. I joined the board of the areas Voluntary
Service organisation and became their representative
on the Local Strategic Partnership the executive decision making body for the
200, 000 people in my area. I was also involved at up to district level,
covering the whole of
I was sadly homeless for about six weeks, sleeping on an office floor
rather than sleeping rough, but still without a place to call home. Thankfully
I was helped to get a place to live by Crisis, the homelessness charity, but as
part of my attempt to get my life back together, whilst still keeping Cate in the 'closet'. I started to put my own
business dealing in marketing and publicity, mainly for voluntary and
community organisations. I was nominated by the local
Crisis office for a National Award called Crisis Changing Lives, and I won the
business section! For which I went to
However, my mental health problems were far from cured, and I'm ashamed
to say it now, as I'm the happiest I've ever been, but they included
'self-harming' or as I used to describe it cutting the evil out!! Yuck! So
someone suggested that maybe I should try for University. Due to the education
system in
But then it happened! I started stumbling as I walked, and sometimes
falling straight over, which lead to me getting my first ever broken bones –
ribs! Thankfully, my doctor decided to do something about it and to hospital I
went to see what was the problem! A CAT scan followed,
with a diagnosis by a neurologist of Multiple Sclerosis (MS). Something I had
witnessed my sister slowly weaken from in the twenty years since she got it! I
told an elderly lady I know that the CAT scan had actually found a brain, as
quick as a flash she replied, “So are you going to start using it now then?”
The MS I have is known as ‘Primary Progressive’, where sufferers experience
symptoms right from the start that become progressively worse over a period of
years without remission.
When I was diagnosed with the MS I wrongly got the idea that it was
going to kill me soon, so I needed to finally do something about transitioning!
I was totally wrong; it may well kill me eventually and sooner than I would
have died but as my neurologist said it wouldn’t be any time now!! But it fired
me in to action to move my transition on! Although I didn’t go full-time until
I was sure our National Health Service (NHS) would allow someone with MS to
transition. They later told me that if they had used the MS as a reason to stop
me transitioning I could have sued them under the Disability Discrimination
Act!
Ultimately there is one very positive thing I’ve found about
transitioning and having MS, using arm-crutches to walk with I don’t have to
really worry about walking as a woman, just simply walking is the thing!
However, people keep saying how brave I am, but I hardly think so, and at the
time of writing I’ve told over 800 people I know of my life choice and had just
five negatives.
I have now been full-time for five months, but am only just about to
start on hormones. That is because the clinic to which I was initially sent to
by my doctor wasn’t very good to say the least! And I’ve been lucky enough to
campaign against their lack of care from local council level right up to going
to visit Members of Parliament in
Despite the MS I am now happier than I have ever been in my life. I
spent 12 or 13 years on anti-depressants yet a couple of months ago I decided I
was so ‘god dam happy’ heading towards womanhood, I no longer needed them, and
went ‘cold-turkey’!
I quoted the saying, "Most die without really having lived,"
earlier, I’ve only mentioned a few of the ways I’ve ‘lived’ and helped others
in this bio, but there is lots more I could add. But for once doing something
just for myself, and transitioning really has given me
a whole new life to live. A little like the famous last line from the film ‘ Blade Runner’, “I don’t know how long I’ve got, but then
again who does?”
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